


If I Never Say a Word

by Ithinkwehaveanemergency



Series: Love's Such An Old Fashioned Word [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Abusive Relationships, Bad Parenting, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Introspection, Josh is only mentioned, M/M, Maddie Buckley is a Good Sister, Original Character(s), Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27378262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithinkwehaveanemergency/pseuds/Ithinkwehaveanemergency
Summary: She went home to visit her parents and Evan for the first time in five months that weekend.She remembers her brother being quiet and withdrawn when she arrived.  His smile seemed forced when he hugged her and he wouldn't look at either of his parents for too long.  At first she chalked it up to teenage hormones hitting hard, maybe pressured with college applications.But then she'd sprung the news about her engagement.OrFive times through the years that Maddie wants to tell her little brother she is proud as hell of the man he's become, and the one time she doesn't think she has to.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Love's Such An Old Fashioned Word [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023490
Comments: 12
Kudos: 89





	If I Never Say a Word

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has themes that include domestic abusive of different types and discussions of homophobia. Please take care of yourself and do not read if that is an issue for you.
> 
> This fic makes up an entire origin story for Maddie and Evan Buckley that will be Jossed in time, but for now read as Canon compliant.

1.

Maddie wasn't around too often for most of her little brother's formative years.

As soon as Evan could walk and talk, Maddie had been nearing high school age and overly concerned with boys and friends. She was also always fighting with her mother. She felt like the mild mannered, conservative woman resented her for some strange reason. Like it was Maddie's fault that she had parent chaperoned field trips and extracurriculars where it was inconvenient to lug a baby boy around.

Maddie never disliked her brother or anything like that. She doesn't remember ever feeling jealous even when he was a baby. She did her part minding him during family gatherings and outings. She played games with him when he asked.

When she came back to visit from college every month, she loved playing cool video games with him and hearing all the fun stories about his classes and how they had computers for the students in all of them. His life was full of things Maddie hadn't grown up with and it kept her up to date on all the things that were rapidly changing in the world.

She especially remembers the time Evan got his first girlfriend.

It was innocent really. Maddie, much to her distaste, had just moved back into her parents' house after getting her degree. She told them it was temporary, of course, because things were getting serious with Jeremy and she was sure they'd get married and move in together soon. But Maddie remembers her parents informing her (with a moderately disapproving tone) that fourteen-year-old Evan Buckley got in trouble in school for PDA. She also remembers her little brother storming in the house on a friday, a week later, slamming all the doors behind him before he holed himself up in his room.

Maddie had brought him dinner later after their parents went out for the night somewhere.

"It's okay, Evan." Maddie remembers saying. "Break ups happen. She definitely wasn't good enough for you anyway."

He'd looked at her confused and shook his head as he explained: "She really fucking wasn't. I broke up with her because she and her stupid friends were picking on that kid Jesse from down the street. They teased him and pushed him down just because he said he likes boys."

Maddie had never seen her little brother so angry about something in her life, and it stuck with her for days, months even, after that.

Later, when she'd think about it, she would regret not telling him how proud she was of him for making such a grown up decision.

But she never got to before they started growing apart.

2.

Maddie broke up with Jeremy when a year after graduation he still never mentioned moving forward with their relationship.

She found out he had been cheating a month later when he posted on Facebook that he and his girlfriend were expecting a baby boy.

Maddie was 24 when she moved in with a couple of friends she knew from college whose wealthy parents gifted them a two bedroom condo as a wedding present. She felt a bit out of place at times, seeing as she was working 34 hours a week and looking for a real nursing job. But hers friends were trying to have a baby and going out to clubs or nice dinners with other married or engaged friends.

Maddie and Evan grew up in a rich society, but never had much money compared to those around them, so she was used to not being able to go out on expensive trips with friends. But sometimes, it got tiring and lonely.

Then her roommates introduced her to Doug.

They dated for four months before she moved out of her friends' house and into Doug's fancy apartment. They dated for one more month before he proposed to her on her 25th birthday.

She went home to visit her parents and Evan for the first time in five months that weekend.

She remembers her brother being quiet and withdrawn when she arrived. His smile seemed forced when he hugged her and he wouldn't look at either of his parents for too long. At first she chalked it up to teenage hormones hitting hard, maybe pressured with college applications.

But then she'd sprung the news about her engagement.

"How long have you known this man?!" Her father had frowned at her sternly. He was never one to show much emotion, even anger. "We've never even _met_ him. You only mentioned him once, two months ago. I can't believe you lied to us like this."

Her mother on the other hand had started crying at the thought that her daughter was living with a man she'd never met before. Maddie was shocked at the tears and absently wondered if her mother was going through menopause. Then, her father had boiled over with rage. 

He threw his arms to the air and yelled at no one in particular, "First your mother catches your brother oants down with that no good Wilkinson boy, and now you're telling us you've been living with a strange man! I don't know how we raised you two to be such-"

Maddie had started crying and ran out after that, stumbling down the steps of her childhood home and collapsing on her hands in knees on the sidewalk.

Lean, strong arms had surrounded her moments later and her brother had whispered soothing words into her hair, rocking her until she stopped crying.

He'd stayed with her until she was ready to drive again.

Maddie had looked into Evan's eyes and raised her hand to brush at a stray tear on his cheek as she asked if he'd be okay with them. "You can come to me if they're mean to you, Evan. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I love you."

Her little brother, ever the growing young man she'd been proud to have as a sibling, had smiled at her and told her everything would be okay.

3.

The next time Maddie saw Evan was at her wedding.

It was a small affair. She and Doug had fought about it for almost 19 months, going back and forth and even almost breaking up a few times.

She'd caved in the end and agreed to get married back in his home town on his late parents' ranch property.

Evan had taken a train down after assuring Maddie their parents had paid for his ticket.

Maddie had invited her parents and never heard back from them. Evan had passed along the message that their mother was too ill to make the trip and that their dad had more-or-less disappeared these days. Maddie figured that meant they had no interest in her life, and it had been part of the reason she'd agreed to move to the ranch with Doug after they were married.

Evan had stayed in town a while, free from obligations while on summer break after finally graduating from their stifling town's little High School.

They'd gone out one night together, the three of them, and Maddie had snuck Evan a drink during dinner, just happy to get this time to bond with her too-grown-up baby brother.

But Doug had gotten weird and wanted to go home, so Maddie went to fetch Evan from where he was being taught to line dance by some very attractive young college kids. She'd apologized about being a joy kill on his trip, but Buck had waved it off and told her he'd say goodbye to his new friends and they'd get going.

Maddie had felt her heart swell as she smiled at the scene the younger people made. She was content then, watching her brother act so happy and carefree. One of the girls had hugged Evan as if she'd known him for years, another leaned in and kissed him too close to the mouth, making the rest of them whoop and laugh.

But just before he left, he shook one of the boys hands and bent down to whisper in his ear. The older blonde boy had grinned and taken his cell phone out before handing it to Evan. When the 18 year old returned the phone to him, the two looked at each other a bit too long and then Buck walked over to their table and they left.

A day later, Buck had told Maddie he was going to do some sight seeing before heading back to Pennsylvania and he'd text her in a couple days when he was back home.

Maddie hadn't asked if he was going to stay with those college kids, or maybe even just that boy he'd been talking to the night before.

She told him to be safe and most importantly to enjoy being young and free. She held back telling him she was proud of him, for some reason, feeling like it would leave on too heavy a note.

He'd looked back at her a little long, like there was something he wanted to say but couldn't. He hugged her instead and went on his way.

4.

Maddie was thirty when Buck moved close enough to her for occasional visits.

The first time she visited, he was seeing a girl named Tara.

The second time, he was 'seriously' dating a girl named Kandyce.

The third time, they met halfway instead and Buck explained he'd gone back to Tara but they weren't exclusive. Maddie hadn't pressed the issue.

The fourth time, they met at the same place for lunch, but this time when Maddie asked about his love life, his smile dropped a little and he looked at her for a second too long before clearing his throat and shaking his head. "No girlfriend."

There were no more girlfriends after that, to her knowledge, but Maddie had seen him grinning at his phone and even ran into a girl leaving the apartment once as she arrived to spend the day with her brother.

Doug got mad at her after she got home the fifth time, saying she took too many trips. He picked up the phone right in front of her to call Evan and verify that Maddie had actually been where she'd said she'd been. Doug had dialed her little brother on speaker and when the other line had connected, it wasn't Evan's voice.

Maddie remembers, clear as day, the way Doug had glared at her, accusatory eyebrow raised as he asked who the hell he was talking to and where was Evan.

The strange man had replied, a protective fierce voice that she'd never heard before despite meeting several of Evan's friends over the past few visits. "Curtis, bitch. And he's in the shower. Now who the fuck are _you_ and why are you taking _that tone_ while asking for Buckley?"

Her husband had hung up and demanded to know if Maddie was going to see Evan just to see some other man behind Doug's back.

Maddie had shaken her head and lied, not for the first time (certainly not for the last) as she held her hands up, fearful that he might finally hit her in his jealous rage.

"No, no, sweetie, Evan has a friend from the fireman academy sleeping on his couch. The guy just got out of a bad break up with a boyfriend and Evan is just helping him out until he gets a new place!" The lie was instinctive; Make sure that Doug thought all the men she'd been around were either gay or family and everything would be fine.

She sat down in the shower later just to be alone, away from Doug. She absently wondered if the man answering Evan's phone might have been _someone_ to her brother. She'd been fairly sure about it being a fellow trainee, since she'd seen the name before on Evan's Facebook. She thinks about why he wouldn't tell her if they were seeing each other, since he'd always talked about his girlfriends and even shamelessly admitted to one night stands, assuring his nurse sister that he was always perfectly safe.

Doug bangs on the door after she's been there too long, and she doesn't think about it anymore.

Evan moves to LA a month later. She doesn't have time to think about her brother much over the following four years, except for to miss him dearly.

5.

Los Angeles looked like it had been good to Maddie's brother, and she started to believe it would be good for her too as soon as she was hired at the call center.

But of course Doug had to show up.

Maddie was a wreck for a while after that, but her brother was there for her. He'd moved in with her for a very short time, even. Evan Buckley had always proved to be someone she could count on, and it felt good to actually reach out for once and ask for that help.

She'd missed her brother. For years, he felt like a distant dream, some old friend she wasn't ever realistically going to see again, despite every effort to try and keep in touch by text or internet. He'd looked so good when she'd gotten to California, healthy, happy, together, but she'd sat down with him after Doug's death and they'd spent a couple days catching up _for real_.

"I had a problem with sex." Evan's words took her off guard. He'd said them like ripping off a band-aid. He'd immediately amended the statement and started from the beginning, even going back to when he was living back east, closer to Maddie.

He stops for a moment in the story and looks up at her. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you more back then. I didn't pay attention to the signs… I should have seen what he was doing to you." He'd said it with such anguish that Maddie had started crying, something she was very, _very_ sick of by then, and threw her arms around him, muttering apologies for her own distance and finally telling him how much she'd missed her little baby brother all these years.

They got past the hard stuff and went in with the gossip. Evan tried to catch Maddie up on the more humorous, less dramatic little things that had happened to him in Los Angeles.

There came a moment, though, when Buck was telling a story about some Christmas outing with Eddie and Chris and Evan's face went sort of sad. Maddie had stopped, remembering all the times she'd wanted to ask her brother if there was something he was holding back when he talked to her.

She has always wanted to tell him that she would always be proud of him for everything he is, everything he's done. She should have done so more often when they were younger, and she definitely should have told him all throughout the time he was living alone with their parents, who probably _never_ told him that.

"I'm so fucking proud of you, Evan Buckley, I always have been." She said, since she couldn't make up for the past times she'd held her tongue.

He'd laughed wetly and smiled back at her as he said, "I'm really proud of both of us."

They had a couple more heart to heart talks, but nothing ever too deep or serious, so Maddie never found the right time to ask Buck about those time's she'd suspected he might be hiding his sexuality from her. She hated the idea that he thought she wouldn't approve, but she also didn't want to invade his privacy about something potentionally sensitive, especially since, from what she'd gathered, Chimney didn't seem under the impression that Buck was anything but straight.

Maddie anguished over what to do about it for a while, but then her brother and friends were all pulled into a string of dramatic life changes. Shannon died, and then Evan had gotten serious with Ali right before getting injured, leaving him lost and depressed when she left him, and life just seemed to throw every obstacle it could at the Buckley siblings for the next several months.

Maddie forgot all about it, more or less, resigning herself to the fact that she would have to wait until Evan was comfortable bringing it up first to talk about all the unsaid words from the past.

+1.

"Hey, you remember the time you said that you liked Josh too much to set him up with me?"

Maddie snorts and arches an eyebrow at her brother. They're in Chimney's living room. Maddie is getting silverware out for the dinner Evan has brought over for the three of them. Her not-so-little little brother is sitting at the table, holding a water and staring at it like he's that timid but determined young kid she'd known all those years ago.

"Yeah?" Maddie studies Evan's hunched posture and stops what she's doing. She puts her hand on her hip and stares at him, waiting for where this is going.

"You were, uh… You were just kidding right?" Buck picks at the label on his water bottle. The plastic crinkles as he squeezes it.

Maddie's heart trips over a beat and she swallows down a lump in her throat.

"Oh my God, Evan, of course! I was completely teasing." Maddie sits and reaches across the table to put her hands over his, stopping his nervous fidgeting. His eyes come up to meet hers, still unsure and Maddie squeezes his fingers and shakes her head. "Do you remember when I thought you'd been dumped by that girl your freshman year, but it turned out she was just a bitch to our neighbor, Jesse Wilkinson?"

"Psh, yeah. You remember that?" Evan's eyes fly wide open at the nearly fifteen year-old memory.

"Of course. I told you that she was never good enough for you, and I meant that, even before you told me what a monster she was." Maddie smiles and rubs his lightly scarred knuckles with her thumb. She looks down at his skin and starts to tear up at the thought of her high school brother, so strong and so sure of himself, who deserved so so much more, and how their parents were never good enough for him either.

"So I'm assuming you remember dad almost kicking me out after mom walked in on me hooking up with Jesse Wilkinson a couple years later?" Evan's voice is low, but steady.

Maddie looks up at him, hope and sorrow rushing through her simultaneously as her brother brings up the memory of what was probably the most intense decisions of her life. The one where she left home and never went back.

"I didn't know exactly what had happened, but yes, I remember." Maddie frowns, regretting the way she left him it all over again. "I should have stayed, Evan. I should have taken you with me."

"I wouldn't have let you." Buck laughs, seemingly unfazed by the memories. Maddie realizes that he must have talked all this over with someone at some point, enough that he's at peace with his past to some extent. "But I'm sorry I never talked to you about it. I've always known you weren't like them, but it was just hard y'know? Once I'd let them convince me I should be ashamed of liking guys, or at least be quiet about it, it was hard to be open about it with most people, even with you."

"Does Howie know?" Maddie pulls her hands away and leans back in her chair. She looks toward the bedroom before leaning in and lowering her voice, as if the man in the shower could possibly hear them over the sound of the water and his own faint singing.

Buck starts laughing loudly at her attempt at discretion.

"Yeah, no. He knows. They all do, I think. I told Chimney and Hen that I'm bisexual ages ago, and the rest have seen me out at a bar dancing or flirting with guys, so I just assume they know. But they also know I date girls most of the time, so who knows what they know." Buck shrugs and sighs before waving his hand around with an eyeroll. "I'm fairly certain that I was _never_ subtle about my crush on Eddie, either."

_"Oh you weren't!"_ Chimney shouts from the other room, startling both of them, who hadn't even heard the water turn off.

Maddie laughs at the man's exclamation and Evan shakes his head.

"I'm over it, though. Trust me." Evan says, a bit louder than he'd been speaking before and gives his Maddie an exasperated look.

"I believe you, sweetheart, don't worry." Maddie reaches out and puts his hand again. "I gotta ask, though. Why did you bring up the thing I said at game night now? If you were worried I was serious, you should have come to me before. I hate than I made you think I felt that way."

"I didn't." Her brother assures her, wide eyed and iinsistent. "Well, not really I guess?"

"So then why-"

"I dunno. I just…" Evan cuts her off with a huff. He shrugs and his cheeks go a bit pink. "I think I might like Josh, maybe. Kind of. If thats okay with you?"

"What? Really?" Maddie's face lights up in surprise, but she's grinning, so Buck doesn't seem too concerned anymore, just a bit confused. "Thats definitely okay, Buck! I can totally set you guys up and everything, or maybe we can all-"

"Maddie, thats…" Buck reaches out and puts one of his hands over hers, interrupting her again . He laughs and tilts his head disapprovingly at her enthusiasm. "I can ask someone out on my own just fine, Mads. I just wanted to make sure you approved. He's like… your best friend and all."

Maddie takes a deep breath of relief and stand up to walk around the table and hug her younger sibling tight, making him chuckle and pat her on the arm.

"Of course I approve Evan." She says, pulling away to brush her hand through his short, but quickly growing unruly hair. "I hope it works out. Josh is a really great guy and I happen to know he thinks you're very handsome."

"I happen to know that too." The fireman laughs. "He likes literally _all of my selfies_ within five minutes of me posting them _._ "

Chimney cackles from the bedroom and soon all three are smiling and laughing, and Buck is excusing himself early for the night saying that he has to make an important call. Maddie is proud of him, but she doesn't feel that old nagging urge to tell him. She knows that he knows.

As Maddie settles in for a late night movie with the love of her life, she feels something more settled inside her chest as she does, as well as a growing hope that two of the most important people in her life have something good coming their way.

  
  
  



End file.
